donttelldaddy | ~46th Dance~

[ Lili's never late, so of course Matthew notices, every minute weighing heavy in his chest. He glances up at her arrival ("I never thought you would actually do it"), then quickly busies himself with fumbling with the items in his arms.

A silly little penguin stuffed animal and a small gift box -- a bracelet. ]

H-happy birthday.

[ She smiles - it's pained, but it's genuine. ]

I love them, it's very sweet. Thank you. [ And a kiss on the cheek. ]

You're welcome. I'm sorry, I wish it was something a little more for your birthday though, since you're of age now and you --

[ He stiffens when she kisses him on the cheek (""I shouldn't be around your little girl."), falling silent.

Then he just kinda hugs her, entrapping the penguin and box between them. ]

[ Lili's eyes squeeze shut, accompanied by deep breaths meant to ward away tears. Freaking out won't do anything, just stay calm. Her head slumps against Matthew's shoulder - she'll be thrilled when the constant stream of angsty hugging get-togethers finally ends. She doesn't quite trust herself to speak right now.]

[ Matthew has had enough angsty hugs as it is, but he burrows his nose in her hair, eyes shut. ]

I don't know what to do anymore, but I know I want you to be happy.

I don't even know what that means.

... excuse me?

To be happy, I mean. I was doing what I wanted, and I was miserable. I love you, but standing here makes me sick, and I want you to be happy, which you were, but it was without me.

[Yeah, screw it. Crying...]

[ Matthew doesn't know what to feel ( he remembers the beauty of his daughters, the warmth of his home, the love for his wife; he remembers the Lily of the future as unhappy as the Lili in his arms right now, the disconnect that lay between them, everything --) , let alone say, so he merely focuses on petting back her hair, mouthing soothing phrases in French. ]

Just tell me that we're not doomed.

We...

[ She's gentle though, Ivan thinks she's shy, I think she's just polite. ]

W-we don't have to be --

[ Sometimes all I can think about is how much I miss you. ]

I...

[ He trails off; he can't. The words get stuck in his throat. ]

Edited 2010-11-07 08:15 (UTC)

Yes or no. I don't want to just wait it out like we have a time limit. I can't.

I'm sorry, but this isn't a question I can answer that easily, Lili. I don't know. I -- please don't use the word doomed.

I'm sorry, what other possible way is there to put it?

.....I don't want for us to be doomed. [ Wow, way to sound like a five year old. Matthew pulls away and stares at the floor, her gifts still pathetically gathered up in his arms. ] But I - I can't forget...

I don't either. [ Oh Merlin, time to wipe her eyes then. ] But if you're in love with her...[ Why her, of all the people in the world - for the life of her, Lili couldn't remember a single interaction with the girl that didn't end in neck-breaking fantasies. ] Then we have a problem.

[ His heart falls past his gut right down to the floor. Matthew didn't quite have the courage to put his feelings to words, and that Lili of all people had to do it for him-- well, it wasn't right. He had to do something about it.

But he's a confused seventeen year old boy, not the grown man he was just a few days ago, and he keeps his stare on the floor and not her face. ]

I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry, just make a decision. [ It comes out harder than she wants it to, but that's what happens when all your willpower is going towards staying coherent. It's Lili at the height of her impulsiveness - yes or no, black or white, right now - because each additional second is a brand new nightmare she'll have to relive over and over, regardless of the outcome. ]

[ And with his heart goes all the warmth in his body. ]

You can't possibly expect me to -- right now? Bloody hell, Lili, it's your birthday.

Would dragging it out be any better? I can't let my whole world revolve around you if it's only temporary!

... it sounds as if you've already decided that - that we're not going to make it.

No, no, no I haven't. If it were up to me, we would, but it isn't. You're the one with the other girl and the child.

[ The little bit of coldness that had crept up into his expression fades away at that completely, and he flinches. In any other context, that sentence alone would have labeled him a bad man. ]

I was. [ Old(new) nervous habit: he thumbs over his bare ring finger. ] I can't remember her face or the sound of her voice, but I know I taught her how to count to ten in French. She's like a dream -- I just -- I don't know her bloody birthday anymore, but I know that she was my little girl and I wanted to teach her how to fly, and I remember how we ended up, but I don't know how we got there and --

[ He hadn't noticed that he had slowly crept up in volume until his voice dies away a second time. He runs his fingers through his hair, swallowing down the tightness in his throat. ]

That isn't fair.

[ Why did he have to give her the details? She doesn't want them, they were just more reasons to leave when she's looking for a reason - any reason, a truth, a lie, it doesn't matter - to stay. ]

It isn't fair for me either.

I know it isn't. I-I didn't mean to imply that I ever thought otherwise.

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