~46th Dance~

[donttelldaddy]

Strange time to finally come of age, wouldn't you agree?

Comments

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[donttelldaddy.livejournal.com]

Just tell me that we're not doomed.

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[invisicanuck.livejournal.com]

We...

[ She's gentle though, Ivan thinks she's shy, I think she's just polite. ]

W-we don't have to be --

[ Sometimes all I can think about is how much I miss you. ]

I...

[ He trails off; he can't. The words get stuck in his throat. ]

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[donttelldaddy.livejournal.com]

Yes or no. I don't want to just wait it out like we have a time limit. I can't.

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[invisicanuck.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry, but this isn't a question I can answer that easily, Lili. I don't know. I -- please don't use the word doomed.

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[donttelldaddy.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry, what other possible way is there to put it?

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[invisicanuck.livejournal.com]

.....I don't want for us to be doomed. [ Wow, way to sound like a five year old. Matthew pulls away and stares at the floor, her gifts still pathetically gathered up in his arms. ] But I - I can't forget...

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[donttelldaddy.livejournal.com]

I don't either. [ Oh Merlin, time to wipe her eyes then. ] But if you're in love with her...[ Why her, of all the people in the world - for the life of her, Lili couldn't remember a single interaction with the girl that didn't end in neck-breaking fantasies. ] Then we have a problem.

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[invisicanuck.livejournal.com]

[ His heart falls past his gut right down to the floor. Matthew didn't quite have the courage to put his feelings to words, and that Lili of all people had to do it for him-- well, it wasn't right. He had to do something about it.

But he's a confused seventeen year old boy, not the grown man he was just a few days ago, and he keeps his stare on the floor and not her face. ]

I'm sorry.

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[donttelldaddy.livejournal.com]

Don't be sorry, just make a decision. [ It comes out harder than she wants it to, but that's what happens when all your willpower is going towards staying coherent. It's Lili at the height of her impulsiveness - yes or no, black or white, right now - because each additional second is a brand new nightmare she'll have to relive over and over, regardless of the outcome. ]

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[invisicanuck.livejournal.com]

[ And with his heart goes all the warmth in his body. ]

You can't possibly expect me to -- right now? Bloody hell, Lili, it's your birthday.

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[donttelldaddy.livejournal.com]

Would dragging it out be any better? I can't let my whole world revolve around you if it's only temporary!

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[invisicanuck.livejournal.com]

... it sounds as if you've already decided that - that we're not going to make it.

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[donttelldaddy.livejournal.com]

No, no, no I haven't. If it were up to me, we would, but it isn't. You're the one with the other girl and the child.

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[invisicanuck.livejournal.com]

[ The little bit of coldness that had crept up into his expression fades away at that completely, and he flinches. In any other context, that sentence alone would have labeled him a bad man. ]

I was. [ Old(new) nervous habit: he thumbs over his bare ring finger. ] I can't remember her face or the sound of her voice, but I know I taught her how to count to ten in French. She's like a dream -- I just -- I don't know her bloody birthday anymore, but I know that she was my little girl and I wanted to teach her how to fly, and I remember how we ended up, but I don't know how we got there and --

[ He hadn't noticed that he had slowly crept up in volume until his voice dies away a second time. He runs his fingers through his hair, swallowing down the tightness in his throat. ]

That isn't fair.

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[donttelldaddy.livejournal.com]

[ Why did he have to give her the details? She doesn't want them, they were just more reasons to leave when she's looking for a reason - any reason, a truth, a lie, it doesn't matter - to stay. ]

It isn't fair for me either.

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[invisicanuck.livejournal.com]

I know it isn't. I-I didn't mean to imply that I ever thought otherwise.

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[donttelldaddy.livejournal.com]

[ She sighs, wiping at her eyes. There isn't very much else that she can say - plenty that she would, if she were able to choose between anger, fear, sadness. Betrayal. There's not a bit of lucidity to her thoughts, so Lili keeps them to herself. ]

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[invisicanuck.livejournal.com]

[ Damn, those tears. ]

I'm sorry I wasn't... [ "I never thought you would actually do it" ] enough to make it last.

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[donttelldaddy.livejournal.com]

What do you mean you weren't enough?

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[invisicanuck.livejournal.com]

How else could we have broken up? Before -- before all this.

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[donttelldaddy.livejournal.com]

I don't remember. I'm sure I did something stupid.

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[invisicanuck.livejournal.com]

[ A humorless laugh, slightly bitter. ]

So is this it?

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[donttelldaddy.livejournal.com]

[ Does she actually have to say it? ]

Is it?

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[invisicanuck.livejournal.com]

...well it -- it was nice, while it lasted.

[ I guess... I guess it is. ]

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[donttelldaddy.livejournal.com]

[ So it is. Hope he doesn't mind one last hug. ]