~22nd Dance~

[donttelldaddy]

So, to recap my magnificent day...

Actually, never mind. I don't even know how to describe this absurd, nightmarish, disaster of a day.

[And the entry ends here. A few minutes later, however, the journal page has stab wounds. Those sharing a house with her may find this journal pinned to a wall, not unlike what you would expect if she had thrown a knife at it. Actually, exactly like that.]

Comments

[invisicanuck.livejournal.com]

You're right, it shouldn't have. But thank you for retrieving Peter.

[donttelldaddy.livejournal.com]

It wasn't a problem.

...if you want, I can leave. I'll stay with Sebastian.

[invisicanuck.livejournal.com]

...I don't want you to leave, but that's entirely up to you.

[donttelldaddy.livejournal.com]

I'm only going to make it worse between you three. I promised myself that I would do exactly the opposite. I have no business here.

Private

[invisicanuck.livejournal.com]

...you promised yourself you'd make it better between us? Between my brothers?

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[donttelldaddy.livejournal.com]

It's a promise I promptly broke, so no use getting worked up about it.

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[invisicanuck.livejournal.com]

Lili...

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[donttelldaddy.livejournal.com]

Yes, Matthew?

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[invisicanuck.livejournal.com]

You've already done so much for Peter and me.

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[donttelldaddy.livejournal.com]

It doesn't mean a thing if I smash it all to pieces, later.

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[invisicanuck.livejournal.com]

My family was never exactly very whole in the first place.

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[donttelldaddy.livejournal.com]

I know, that's why I wanted to help. But every time I try, I only make it worse.

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[invisicanuck.livejournal.com]

Please don't worry about it, Lili. My family will manage even with me as the eldest. You have enough to stress about, eh?

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[donttelldaddy.livejournal.com]

Matthew, I have tried not to worry. Believe me, I have done everything that I can think of not to worry, and not to care. But I can't find it in me, because I love you, and I love Peter too, and regardless of my relationship with Alfred, I want to get along. What you're doing right now is not managing.

I'm not fragile. I can handle it.

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[invisicanuck.livejournal.com]

But I've loved Al and Peter and my father all my life, and I've tried all my life, and we've never really...

[ A pause. ]

Thank you, Lili. I love you too. Please apologize to Alfred.

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[donttelldaddy.livejournal.com]

So, it's a hopeless venture? It that what you're saying?

...I'm going to, but I really doubt he wants to see me ever again right now. It'll have to wait until I'm me again.

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[invisicanuck.livejournal.com]

No! No, I just... it's not going to be easy, Lili. You shouldn't be blamed for how we are.

When you say it that way, you make me miss you. Pretty silly considering you're just a few doors away, eh?

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[donttelldaddy.livejournal.com]

This isn't a case of me looking for sympathy and attention because all that's wrong is my fault, it's me presenting the solid fact that I make things worse just by being around.

...it isn't silly. I miss me, too. And not just my body.